Humor of Cab Calloway
Cab Calloway wrote a column -- I've Been Thinking -- that was published in many newspapers. This is from April 22, 1950. Enjoy.
I've Been Thinking
by Cab Calloway
Spring is definitely in the air. Milady's hats are getting frisky and she's getting that look in her eye . . . the one that says, "I've been wasting away in this house all winter and now that fair weather's here again, I'm going to take a week off and visit mother."
No doubt about it, the man of the house is going to find himself left to his own resources one of these weeks very soon. That's why I thought this column would be especially apropos. These are handy household hints for the bewildered male so that he will be able to take care of himself while his better half is away.
Recipe for Toast
Ingredients: Bread . . . dull knife.
Place the bread in the oven and turn the fire up high. There's no need to tend it, so go ahead and shave while it cooks. When through shaving, open oven and remove. Take bread to sink and scrape with dull knife. When golden brown color appears, butter and eat
Wholesome Dinner Menu
Pork and Beans (canned)
Toast (see recipe above)
Bread if the kiddies are still hungry.
Women may object to this recipe, but then, they make a lot of unnecessary work for themselves, so don't pay them any mind. This business of making beds for instance. Don't do it! Beds need airing anyhow, so just throw the covers back until you're ready to go to bed again.
Bathing the kiddies. Waste of time. They just get dirty again anyhow. Try this scheme. Once a week, turn them loose on the front lawn and let them play with the garden hose. They'll squirt each other until they're pretty clean. Saves a lot of wear and tear on the bathroom.
Cleaning house isn't as hard as the wife would have you believe. Put accumulated papers, letters, magazines, etc. into neat piles every few days. Sweep dirt under rugs. Don't let empty tin cans pile up where the kiddies can reach them.
When flies gather, wash dishes. This is easily done by piling them in the sink or a large tub and letting them soak for a few days. When they have soaked until fairly clean, turn on hot water full force and hold dish under it until clean.
If you have friends over for poker, try to discourage them from throwing cigar butts on the floor or rug. This practice not only clutters up the house but also may be the cause of small fires from time to time.
Alcohol stains fine furniture finishes, so do your imbibing in the kitchen. If the drainboards are cluttered with dirty dishes, you can lay your glasses on the floor since alcohol does not stain linoleum.
Don't bother putting up lunch for the kids. Give them a dime to spend on candy bars. Candy is full of energy.
Now, don't thank me for these hints. I like to be helpful and it's been a pleasure. I know you'll fare swimmingly!